


SI

by whump_tr0pes



Series: David & Nia [5]
Category: Original Work
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, Nightmares, Past Torture, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Recovery, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicidal actions, Trauma
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-06
Updated: 2019-11-06
Packaged: 2021-01-23 22:42:33
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,995
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21327874
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/whump_tr0pes/pseuds/whump_tr0pes
Summary: Almost three months after Nia escapes her nightmare of torture at Graylan's hands, she's still plagued by nightmares and flashbacks. Hopeless and alone, she contemplates suicide before she makes the decision to call David for help, and live.
Relationships: David & Nia
Series: David & Nia [5]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1481636
Comments: 3
Kudos: 12





	SI

**Author's Note:**

> Y'all...this is really, REALLY dark. There are very explicit suicidal thoughts and actions in this story. Please be safe and avoid it if you're sensitive to that.

_Nia dashed down the hall, her heart pounding in her chest. _He's coming, he's coming after me.

_She glanced down a hallway to her left and changed direction, her shoes squeaking on the linoleum. Her chest burned with each breath. _

_She felt hot breath on her neck and, horrified, spun around to see Graylan right behind her. He was sauntering forward, his body language the picture of casual ease. He kept pace with her, despite her sprinting like her life depended on it. _

_"That's because your life does depend on it, Nia." His hand shot out and grabbed her throat. Nia screamed and tried to turn away but she realized her hands were cuffed behind her. She was seated in a chair. Graylan pulled a knife from his belt and held it to her throat. She screamed and pulled away. Her scream was muffled by the gag in her mouth. Graylan grabbed her hair and forced her head forward until the knife was pressed into her throat. _

_"Call out to David."_

_She turned her frenzied eyes to Graylan's. She tried to speak but the gag prevented it. _

_Graylan smiled. "Call out to David. If he hears you, he'll come save you from me. If you can't reach him, then you're stuck here with me. Until I kill you, anyway. Call out to David." He pulled her forward until her wrists strained against the handcuffs. "Beg him to save you." Nia shook her head in terror, tears pouring down her face. The only sounds coming from her throat were desperate sobs. Graylan sighed and pulled the gag from her mouth. "I said _beg_."_

_"Please!" she screamed. "David, please, David...help me, please..." She gasped out a sob. "David, no no no!" The knife cut into her throat as Graylan jerked her forward. Her throat burned from the pain. _

_"He can't hear you." Graylan was laughing. "And I honestly don't want to rob myself of my time with you. So...I'm starting the clock over. Every scream, every injury, your every fucking _breath_ is mine until you're dead. And you're not going to die for a long, long time." He slid the knife along her throat. The skin tore and the blood started to flow faster. "I can bleed you out over this floor a thousand times and you won't die. You're not gonna die until I _let you_."_

_She sobbed. "No...please...David, please, I'm begging you, HELP ME." _

_"I'm curious: if I cut your throat, what hurts more? The pain of the cut, or the pain of not being able to breathe?"_

_"No, no..." _

_"God, I have so many things I want to do to you." He carved the knife into her chest._

Nia woke with a scream. Her sheets were soaked with a cold sweat. She gasped, tears running down her face and onto her trembling lips. Once she had her breath, she sobbed into her hand.

She fumbled for the lamp and snapped it on. She cast her eyes frantically around the room. _David would want me to find five things I can see. _She pressed her lips together and tried to focus her eyes.

Her throat ached as if Graylan really had cut it. She ran her fingers over the little scars that marked her throat where Graylan had held a knife there over and over. _He didn't cut my throat._ A roiling wave of nausea crashed down on her with the next thought that flashed through her mind: _but I wish he had. _

She crumpled, burying her face in her hands. _No no no no..._ She ground her fists into her eyes. _Don't think like that. Don't. It means he wins._

_He already has._

Her throat ached with each sob that tore through it. Her hands wandered mindlessly over her body to her left arm and the recently-healed scars from surgery, to her right leg and the healing, angry wounds from where she had been shot, to the scars on her right forearm. Twin wounds there from being stabbed by Graylan three months ago, and being shot by Carson almost exactly a year ago.

_He broke me in every way there is._

She felt her heart sinking down to the floor. _I'm ruined. I'll never be in the field again. I'll never be David's partner again._ Her eyes burned with tears as she thought of her team. Her _family_. _Graylan never intended to let me live. Would he be happy with how broken I am now? _There was life _before_, and life _after_. And life after was no life at all.

Life after was a rehab hospital for three weeks. Life after was learning to walk again. Life after was being in pain, every single day. Life after was missing the pain meds after they ran out. She pressed her face against her hands. _Life after is never being an equal to David again._

David was so strong. So understanding and slow-moving. David was her rock, handling her affairs and organizing her treatment. David was the one who reminded her of what was real.

David was also at his house right now, asleep.

_It's better that way. He doesn't need to see this. _She shuddered as she realized she made the decision before she was even aware that it was a choice.

She slept with her gun under her pillow when David wasn't around. She couldn't stand the idea of being alone in the safehouse that had become her home, undefended. She couldn't be taken again. _They drugged me at work and kidnapped me from my_ home.

Her hand crept under the pillow until she felt the weapon, cold and hard on her skin. She wrapped her fingers around it and pulled it out, feeling the weight of it in her hand. It was comforting. Familiar. _It's mine, under my control._ She pulled the slide back and saw the dull copper shine of a bullet in the chamber.

As she stared at it, she felt a chill move down her spine. _I can't live like this anymore. The nightmares, the flashbacks, the pain._ She carried pain in her body still, every day. 'Body memory,' her therapist called it. The mind being stuck in the trauma experience and creating pain in the here-and-now to justify it to itself. "Those symptoms will pass in time," she had said. "The EMDR will help."

It wasn't helping right now.

Feeling sick in her soul, she tapped the barrel against her forehead. _Everyone says it'll get easier. Everyone says they support me and love me. But – _She heaved a gasping sob. _They can't help me inside my own head._ There was no one in there but Graylan. And Graylan haunted her every day.

She couldn't take it, the constant excruciation. _I was tortured, and then I lived. But I still feel like I'm being tortured every day. _Graylan couldn't see her now but if he could... She shuddered. She heard his laugh echoing perfectly in her head. _I can't go back and stop it. I'm trapped in this body, this life, this broken body and broken mind and I just...can't..._

With a shuddering gasp, she pressed the gun up under her chin. Graylan's voice whispered in her head. _There you go. Do it. Do what I couldn't._ She sobbed as she felt the cold metal against the soft skin of her throat. _You can escape this pain in death. Your death would be the logical conclusion to our story._ She squeezed her eyes shut. Graylan's voice was like a friend. Comforting her, guiding her into relief. It was like she could feel his breath on her ear. _Do it. Take the shot._

_I just don't want to hurt anymore._ She whimpered, her finger finding the trigger. _My work is over. I'll never be in the field again. David doesn't need me dragging him down for the rest of his life._ She wailed in despair. _My life is pain now and I can't take any more pain._

She squeezed, shivering as she remembered how tight her trigger was. _It will be over quick. _

Graylan's voice intruded into her thoughts again, a memory this time. It echoed through her mind and twisted her gut.

_"I've been looking forward to breaking you for a long time."_

Her breath froze in her chest.

_Fuck you, Graylan. _

She dropped the gun to her bed and cried out at the pain in her mind. She could barely draw breath past the sobs. She reached for her phone and dialed the most recently called number.

David sounded sleepy, but concerned. _Last time someone called him this late he heard me tortured over the line._ "Hello?"

"David," she gasped out, almost incoherent.

There were rustling sounds on the other end. "What is it? What's wrong? Are you at home? I'm coming over."

She whimpered, her voice thick with tears. "David, I..." She threw a glance at her gun on the bed next to her and shied away like it would bite her. She turned her head away and closed her eyes. "Please... I need you to come take my gun away."

The moment of silence on the other line was deafening. Then, "I'll be right over. Can you stay on the line with me?"

She nodded. "Yeah."

"I need you to get away from the gun. Don't touch it, just leave the room. Ok? Where are you?”

“In bed…”

“Go to the living room and sit on the couch. Are you doing it?"

Unsteadily, she got to her feet. "Ye- yes." _Why did I do this? I'm making him go to all this trouble. He needs his sleep._ Her momentum was moving her towards the living room. She let herself be dragged along, like her body was in a current outside of her control. She couldn't help but notice the crushing feeling in her belly of an opportunity missed. _Now I have to keep on hurting._

She stumbled as she made her way into the living room. Her hand wandered along the wall and found the light switch. She blinked and found her way to the couch. Her leg hurt.

"Nia? You still with me?" His voice sounded terrified. She felt shot through with guilt.

"Yes. I'm sorry..." she whispered.

"No no no no, Nia, no, don't you dare. Don't do that. Don't tell me you're sorry. Tell me you're going to stay alive until I get there. Ok? Promise me. Promise me you'll stay alive."

Her voice broke. "I...I promise..."

Nia could hear his car in the background. "Even if you don't want to right now. You just stay alive for me. I know you're hurting but you're so strong, Nia, you're so strong..." She could hear tears at the edge of his voice. "I know you're hurting, but please...please..." She could hear him biting back sobs.

Nia couldn't speak. She was wracked with pain. She curled up on the couch, her face pressed into the cushions. She sobbed against the rough fabric.

"Nia...?" He seemed afraid to hear her voice. She knew he was much, much more afraid of _not_ hearing her.

"I..." She swallowed hard. "It just hurts, David. It hurts. Please..."

"I know. I know it does, love."

She lay still and cried. She pulled a pillow into her chest and curled around it. She pressed it to her chest, willing it to fill the gaping hole she felt there. She hiccoughed and winced from the pain. _Why do I hurt? My ribs have healed._

"Nia..." David's voice was low. "I'm turning into the neighborhood. Just a few more minutes, ok?"

She gulped and nodded. Remembering he couldn't see it she whispered, "ok." She lay limp and waited for the pain to ease. _I know it's not going to, but I have to believe it will. Or else I won't stay alive for David._

She thought she could hear David's car down the street. _He must have broken every speed limit to get here._ She squeezed her eyes shut and quivered with shame.

The sound of the car approached, slowed, pulled into the driveway. She heard the slam of a car door, and running. She heard the scrape of David's key in the lock. The door opened. She felt a rush of air and David's strong hands pulling her up.

"Nia?" His hands went to her face, her hair, her hands. "Are you hurt anywhere? Honey, did you hurt yourself at all?" She weakly shook her head. David heaved a massive sigh. "Where's the gun?"

Nia's lips trembled. "Bedroom," she rasped.

"Stay here. Don't move." David's hands pushed her against the couch, firm and decisive. He disappeared into the bedroom. She heard the sounds of him releasing the magazine and racking the gun to clear the chamber. He walked past her to the door, keeping the gun out of sight. "I'm putting it in my car. Stay right there."

She nodded miserably.

He was only gone for a few moments before Nia heard him come back in and lock the door. He sunk next to her and pulled her into his embrace.

"Nia, honey, do you have any more guns in the house?" She shook her head, her tears running into his shirt. "Anything else you want to hurt yourself with?" She shook her head again. A breath hitched in his chest. "Nia...what happened?"

She grew limp in his arms. "I had a nightmare."

"Ok. What happened in it?" His hand began to move through her hair.

"Graylan was chasing me and..." She half expected the dream to disintegrate in her mind as she reached for it, like most of her dreams did. This one stayed solidly in her mind. Just like the rest of her nightmares. "...and he had me cuffed to a chair and gagged and told me to..." She swallowed hard. "He told me to scream to you, beg you to help me, and if you came he would stop hurting me. But you didn't come and he..." A teardrop landed on the top of her head. "He said he was gonna torture me and bleed me out and not let me die..." She squeezed her eyes shut against the memory. _No, the dream. It was just a fucking dream._ She began to sob. "I'm sorry I woke you up, I'm so sorry David, I just...I didn't know what to do."

He cradled her to his chest like a treasure. "Thank you for calling me, Nia. I'm so, so grateful you called me. I just..." His arms tightened around her until it was almost painful. She didn't protest. "I can't lose you, Nia. I can't-" His chest spasmed in a sob. "Oh my god, I can't..." He rocked her gently, tears falling steadily into her hair.

She wanted to protest. She wanted to push away and brace against the pain. Instead, she let herself be held. She relaxed into David's warmth, the solid realness that was _David_. She breathed him in, all the way into her lungs.

_I called out to him, and he saved me. _

Her chest began to heave with sobs.

"What is it? Nia, are you...?" His voice was so concerned.

"I..." She could barely get the words out. "I called to you, and..." She gasped. It felt like her chest was caving in. "You came. You saved me. I called to you, and..." The sob that tore through her chest drew out into a scream.

David pulled her into his lap and rocked her gently. She threw her arms around him and sobbed into his shoulder. Her tears and snot and sweat wetted his shirt. "Oh, Nia, oh my god, of course." He kissed her hair. "Of course. I wish I had been able to get to you faster, save you from...this..." He didn't mean tonight, and she knew it. "If I could..." His hands squeezed into fists. "...take all this, take the marks and scars and pain from your body, and put them on mine, I would, I swear, Nia, even if it killed me..." He shuddered. "This is the very least that I can do for you. Please, please let me be here for you now. Let me just...be here...and I know it hurts but please be here with me too."

She dragged in a painful breath. After a moment, she nodded against his shirt.

David pulled her back so he could look at her face. Her eyes were swollen and blotchy, her nose running. He reached for a tissue and offered it to her. She took it and blew her nose. "I hate to ask more of you. You've been through so much but, Nia, love..." He pressed his forehead against hers. "Please stay alive for me."

She sat still for a moment, pressed against him. Her eyes fluttered open. "You didn't call 911?"

He pressed his lips together. "No. I was worried...you cringe every time you hear sirens, love."

"I do?" _Some part of me must remember the ambulance ride._ She had only found out about it when Rawlins told her it had happened.

His eyes looked sad. "Yes. I was worried if you heard sirens, and people tried to get into your house, and maybe come in and try to grab you, you would..." He flinched. "I was afraid to do it would make things worse." He chewed the inside of his cheek. "I'm sorry if that was the wrong thing. I just...I didn't want to hang up to make the call. And I didn't want to hear the shot on the other end if they got there first." She crumpled into herself. He cradled her face against his.

She tangled her fingers in his shirt and held him close. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry," she murmured.

"Shh." His arms wound around her. "You're gonna feel safe again. We're gonna help you get better."

She clutched him tighter, crying.


End file.
